The Pearson's are proof that family angst is very funny. Check out these funny lines from The Bill Engvall Show! Have more funny quotes? Share them with other fans on The Bill Engvall Show message boards.

"When did shrapnel become a fashion accessory?"
- Bill in Good People

"If I leave, you're gonna start kissing her with your tongue and then she'll get pregnant."
- Bryan to Trent in Good People

"Did the coach teach you to put on a condom?"
"I don't know what football was like when you were growing up, but we're generally just a pass and catch situation."
- Bill and Trent in Good People

"What kind of game is that?"
"It's called paying bills and there's no winning."
- Trent and Susan in Good People

"I was happier at third string. The coach leaves you alone and you can hang out and drink Gatorade and you get a great seat for the game."
- Trent to his mom in Good People

"You kids think you're funny, but you can't take back heart damage."
- Bill in Good People

"Me and my mother are fine. I visit her once a week. I clip her toe nails and file off any calluses."
- Bob to Bill in Aloha, Raffles

"I only meant to lie to the kids. You just happened to be in the room."
- Bill to Susan in Aloha, Raffles

"Raffles has an ulna? I thought he was a boy."
- Bryan in Aloha, Raffles

"What are we supposed to do?"
"Read."
"No, seriously."
- Trent and Susan in Aloha, Raffles

"Technology can be a cruel mistress."
- Bryan in How Bill Met Susan

"As I recall I was an easy delivery. Not like watermelon McC-section here."
- Trent talking about Bryan in How Bill Met Susan

"Did you hear the good news? They got baby Jessica out of that well."
- Paul to Bill in an 80's flashback in How Bill Met Susan

"TJ Hooker that hurt!"
- Bill after hurting his elbow in 80's flashback in How Bill Met Susan

"According to my research, a boat is a popular place for girls to go wild."
- Paul to Bill in Have You Seen the Muffins, Man?

"Isn't he the most wonderful family counselor you ever saw? And he looks like Kevin Costner."
- Bill's mom in Feel Free to Say No

"You want to argue about this then let's argue naked."
"Fine. Ok. Anything to move it along."
- Bill and Susan in Feel Free to Say No

"I'm going to leave you alone now to ponder the depths of your male stupidity."
- Susan to Bill in Jealous Guy

"When I had my mid-life crisis, I got a corvette and a Korean wife."
- Bob in The Birthday

"I'll never forget the day you were born. It was the most excruciating pain I have ever endured. Like I was being torn apart by teams of horses."
- Bill's mom to Bill on his birthday in The Birthday

"Why don't you just get me a Rascal with an oxygen tank."
- Bill to Susan in The Birthday

"As a hair transplant specialist, I don't usually say this to my patients, but I think we should stop here. We really want a delineation between the hairline and the eyebrow."
- Paul to a customer in The Birthday

"When I look at you I still see that same handsome guy with the mullet and the Ted Nugent t-shirt that I fell in love with years ago."
- Susan to Bill in The Birthday

"Fortunately for me, mental health is a never-ending problem."
- Bill in Go Ahead, See if I Karaoke

"Please guys, if you're gonna do that be younger and not my parent."
- Lauren to her parents who are kissing in Go Ahead, See if I Karaoke

"I'm not desperate. I just want a date really bad..at all costs...with anyone."
- Paul to Bill in But That's Not Fair

"Fine, I'll drive. But no pressing the OnStar button to talk to the dispatcher, Nina. That's for emergencies only."
"Oh, a lonely heart isn't an emergency, Bill?"
- Bill and Paul in No Gifts Please

"I'm sorry, but I don't need Susan mad at me. I rely heavily on her leftovers."
- Paul to Bill in No Gifts Please

"I'll tell you one thing, I'm cutting that kid's fingernails in the morning."
"And his toenails too. It's like trying to sleep through a knife fight."
- Susan and Bill talking about Bryan in No Gifts Please